My hand is getting better... for any of you out there who do care, since no one out there has asked about it, so I should really assume that you don't particularly. I'm trying to remember that you all have lives and stuff, and that I do write this thing for me after all and not you... but to be honest I was a tad hurt. Never mind.

So, after two rounds of x-rays the doctor concluded that it *probably* wasn't broken, which I felt was not particularly conclusive, but what can I do? If anything, I may have cracked a carpal, and they thought I did because I had excessive swelling for a sprain but the x-rays failed to show anything except a tiny, maybe-it's-something kind of notch on my bone which might be a crack. So who knows? Nothing is out of place though so they told me I could just bandage it to the splint thing they moulded to my wrist and if the swelling didn't go down I had to go back and have it plastered.

Fortunately for me, it has been getting better and better, the swelling is nearly all gone and I am just wearing a bandage now, no splint. I am in a bit of pain at the moment because I am trying to do stuff again, like driving, writing, washing my dishes, etc, but I guess it is to be expected.

From what I have managed to piece together, and from the minimal bruising on other parts of my body, I have deduced that I pretty much landed with my entire body weight on my wrist, after falling two metres from a tree onto concrete. That considered, I think I am doing okay.

The week has been mildy frustrating at best and infuriating at worst, not being able to write made it somewhat difficult to get much work done and it was quite a busy week, we are preparing for an event in a week's time where we will go away with about 120 kids for three days and be doing games and activities and other crazy shit. Takes a fair bit of preparation, as I'm sure you can imagine. Also, not being able to drive has meant I have not been able to go home for lunch and have been at the whims of the folk who have been driving me around basically... which I shouldn't resent because they have been nice enough to do it at all... basically I've just been frustrated at my lack of independence.

But little by little... I am regaining the use of my hand and therefore my independence again. I'm gonna stop whinging about it now. The weekend has been pretty cool, it was CoWorker's birthday yesterday so we went to Disneyland in Tokyo and acted like kids for a day, it was great. On Saturday night we went to the bar and CoWorker got suitably smashed I think (I left earlier so I didn't see how she ended) and I made her cupcakes and she loved them and it was all good.

Today started beautifully, I stayed at the Writer's place last night and this morning he took off for work and I stayed, I slept for as long as I needed to for the first time in ages and it was fantastic. I remembered just how much having a decent sleep can improve my mood, I found myself going for a walk though the city and enjoying the scenery and I was happy, for no apparent reason. Most of the time I am fairly positive, in a fairly good mood I suppose... but I felt truly happy this morning and it was great.

Thought I'd go check out the art gallery, new exhibition on, photographic: 100 Years of Idiocy. Well. Not the thing to go see if you want to retain your good mood. Basically it was a photographic exploration of all the reasons why people suck. It started with a section entitled "Pollution"; somewhat disturbing pictures of smokestacks, oil slicks, raped forests, deformed fish and water of unnatural colour... and got far worse from there. Living skeletons exciting concentration camps, a cramped slum beside a sprawling city of opulent high-rises and a beach beyond, deformed babies, literal mountains of bodies both bagged and not, refugees peering out from behind barbed wire, a box containing hundreds of wedding rings taken from the hands of dead soldiers, rabbits lined up to have chemicals poured into their eyes, a chimpanzee bound to some kind of metal frame who had broken his legs trying to escape his bonds, a rhino with tusks ripped out by ivory traders and left to die, a baby with napalm burns sitting on a railway platform, a kid barely 14 holding a gun in the forest and scared shitless, mushroom clouds, Dolly the sheep, mountains of good food left to rot because we produced more than we needed, a pile of rusted car shells, battery hens, a fourteen lane highway with bumper to bumper traffic... wall after wall of ugly images.

And then, I got online tonight to read a couple of rants about Bush's Intelligent Design bullshit and in particular how the Australian education minister appears to be endorsing it... fuckwits.

The Writer has a lot less faith in people than I do, generally speaking. Sometimes I try to make excuses, I tell him he's being too harsh. Today I have not the energy nor the inclination to argue in defence of people. We don't deserve it.

Anyway, enough of that. Been thinking about how I have held back in this journal somewhat when it comes to the Writer, partly because he reads this but I think we are far enough along now for me to feel secure enough about how he feels for me that I don't have to hold anything back. Another thing in the back of my mind is how the handful of you out there reading are viewing all of this... because if you've been reading here long enough you'll know this is the fourth time I have fallen in love, and maybe you're a bit cynical.

I can understand that. Maybe I am too, because each time, I have probed and questioned this love thing a little more than the last time... each time I wonder if I understand it any better than the last time. Tonight my rational mind went a wandering, it hooked on a couple of minor similarities between the Writer and other past people and managed to twist them just enough to make me wonder if I am repeating my past relationship over... but my instincts gave me a kick up the arse because it feels so completely different that it is impossible for me to believe such a thing. There is a part of me that wonders whether I am in fact living in some kind of parallel universe called Japan and if everything will end and fade away when my time here finishes and I return to the real world... but it does not have to happen this way, if we don't allow it.

I've been in love before. He has to accept that I come with a past... he wasn't the first, though he might be the last if we are lucky enough. The thing that I have found in love is that every time is different... but undoubtedly better than the last. I love the Writer so much than I can hardly contain it... it has never been like this before. All this, and it's only been two months.

Two months today, in fact. I have to admit, I'm still afraid that something's going to break. I need a little longer to trust in the strength of what's here... but I am very happy, and very hopeful.

Before After

© Blueshoe 1999-2005