The Jazz Singer stuck this on at karaoke last night and I remembered how much I loved this song...

Tender is the night, lying by your side
Tender is the touch of someone that you love to much
Tender is the day the demons go away
Lord, I need to find someone who can heal my mind

Come on, come on, come on
get through it
Come on, come on, come on
love's the greatest thing
Come on, come on, come on
get through it
Come on, come on, come on
love's the greatest thing, that we have
I'm waiting for that feeling
waiting for that feeling
waiting for that feeling to come

Tender is the ghost, the ghost I love the most
Hiding from the sun waiting for the night to come
Tender is my heart, it's screwing up my life
Lord, I need to find someone who can heal my mind

Blur, 'Tender'

I was singing the words and thinking about the Writer... and we had to walk home last night because we didn't have our bikes and I was too drunk to drive... and it was dark and I was dark and I am glad that he doesn't really remember what I was saying. My memory is vague too but I recall that for once he was being the optimist and trying to make me better and I remember telling him to be quiet because even though I thought I needed to be told that everything was going to be alright, when I heard it, it wasn't what I wanted.

Some nights I don't believe in love. No presence is permanent, and some nights I wonder just how long I have with this one. Perhaps all this worry about the future is destroying my enjoyment of the present but old habits die hard I guess. I told him never to mind, it's just that I am still coming to terms with the fact that I know nothing. Things I once thought I knew for certain have been systematically taken apart over the years, even when they had been present for so long in my life that I thought they were permanent truths. I don't have a whole lot of faith or trust in the world around me, and I don't have anything that I believe in wholly.

Including love. Which is something I really want to believe in, I want to believe that love is absolute... but I don't. I don't believe in myself either.

I have noticed that I seem to have more dark spells when I am in a relationship, and I wonder whether it is a symptom of losing some of my emotional independence, I am forgetting how to hold myself up because I have someone else to do it for me, or whether I worry about lising what I have because I am becoming too attached. I am being crap, and I am really uncomfortable with this situation. I feel clouded.

Damnit, why can I not just enjoy love for once instead of probing, questioning and torturing it until it leaves me alone? Fuck, I have a special gift for turning good things into concerns. I love this Writer of mine, and will for as far as I can see at least. Must learn how to just be happy, damnit!

I'm going away for a week from tomorrow, gonna head down to Kyoto and Osaka and the Kansai region in general, and I've been dying to do this and I know I'm gonna have an awesome time and I am gonna miss the Writer but I am going to manage because I am not lost yet. Much as I am going to miss him, perhaps some time apart will be good. The amount that I love him frightens me, and he tells me not to be afraid but I can't help it. Sometimes, I am afraid of it. I fear unknowns. I'm gonna have to work at kicking this fear in the arse though, because this is no way to live.

Before After

© Blueshoe 1999-2005