So I'm in Kyoto and I have been having a fantastic time checking out temples and castles and geisha spotting and allathat stuff... and I am gonna write something about all of this when it's all over and I have a decent amount of time and not paying 5 yen per minute for the internet at this lodge...

But since this is the feeling journal, not the doing journal, that's what I'm gonna talk about now. The Writer and I kind of parted awkwardly on Sunday morning, not through any doing of his but by me getting worked up about something which was really kind of small... and if there's one thing I hate, it's bad goodbyes. I'm one of those people who saves my favourite food for last so that the last bite, the one I remember most, is the best... so I'm not the kind of person who can go to bed angry or leave things messy because it plays on my mind too much and distracts me from getting on with things.

However, there was no time on Sunday morning, so that's the way that it was. And I haven't been so bad, I haven't been stewing... I wrote an overly emotional email which helped me a bit (though probably not him, now that I think of it) and mostly I have been too busy and enjoying this place too much to be occupied by anything else.

But, there are moments... on the trains, mostly. On the trains, I either sleep or stare out the window and contemplate life, the universe and everything... and of couse, Us.

The only conclusion that I have come to thus far is that I should have tried to take more time between the Writer and the Boy back home... maybe I should have tried to control the timing more. The reason I say this is because the things that have been upsetting me recently, I have realised, are nothing to do with the Writer at all, and everything to do with the Boy. I thought I was okay, but I think perhaps I still had a few open wounds from my last relationship that had yet to heal. And of course, I have made the mistake that the Writer must see the same in me that the Boy did and perhaps the same things bother him about me. Now that is pure reaction without any reflection whatsoever... of course that cannot be true.

I didn't start with a clean slate this time... and you never really do, but I have allowed past hurts to influence my present actions too much, I think. Only once before was I able to suspend disbelief that I might find some kind of happiness... I am sure I can do that again, if I can let go of my fears.

I am feeling somewhat closer. Somewhat calmer. I have been sleeping really well, though my dreams have been quite disturbing, particularly one last night which caused me to awake gasping and sweating... but it was okay. I thought it through, and I went back to sleep. I can handle my fears alone.

It's gonna be alright, whatever the outcome. I do love my Writer, and respect him way beyond that, not least because he has a lot more in his past to bury and he does a much better job of it than I, most of the time. If only I were better at living in the present... we just might be okay. Hope he sticks with me while I'm working on it.

And Kyoto is beautiful and I feel blessed that I am even here.

Before After

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