For someone who's been studying psychology it seems that I am still have more troubles than not when it comes to relating to others... not that studying psychology means a thing anyway, most of the psychologists I know are no better than the next person at discerning human nature.

I just had a phone call from the Boy's younger brother and the conversation turned to the whole dis-engagement thing and now I have fresh doubts about whether or not I'm handling things the right way... I have a problem, or a blessing depending on the situation - I have an ability to appreciate the other side of the story as well as my own. Sometimes another story can be presented and it tugs at my heart strings and I forget that I should be looking after number one first. This quality sometimes interacts with my unrealistic sense of idealism, that there is a solution to every situation which is going to make all parties happy.

So I was given another side by the Boy's brother, that his mother and the rest of their family have no idea what's going on with us because the Boy has given them about two sentences on the whole situation. He told me that their mum is angry and frustrated and worried simply because she doesn't know what's going on and the Boy won't tell her. He told me that as far as he knows, she's still expecting me for Christmas and that it will probably only make her madder if I don't go.

I sometimes get the feeling in distressing situations when my heart strings are being tugged in various different directions at once, like my heart chakra has expanded to swallow my entire chest cavity, squishing the other two so that my stomach feels churny and I have a lump in my throat.

I'm tired, and I don't know what to do. I've been crying. I cannot please everyone... I can't change my plans again - there is no way on earth that I would give away my job at Woodford after having to beg to get it back... and besides that, that's the only thing I am doing to please myself. Maybe I could go down for a few days, leave on the 25th... the tough part of me is saying that I owe them nothing, but at the same time they also owe me nothing, and continue to care... so do I, for that matter. I had a great chat with Younger Brother, who is fantastically open with me and shed light on a few things... I saw that other side, and though I know full well why the Boy tells his mother nothing (he feels that she is judgemental of everything) I can see that it would be hard for a mother to deal with. I know that they've both had a role in creating these communication problems, and it's going to take a hell of a long time to fix that... would it help if I talked to her?

Well, I told Younger Brother that I would. He is going to call her, and get her to give me a call if she wants to. He told me that she has no idea at the moment that I won't be going, because the Boy has not told her a thing, and that she should at least be told that. I know this should be the Boy's job, but I also know that he won't do it... maybe it's better that someone tells her what the hell is going on. I feel sorry for her.

Before After

© Blueshoe 1999-2005