Lately I've been going through an oft-experienced stage again, something I find hard to put into words but generally manifests as feeling at odds with the world around me. I know my living situation ain't great at the moment and that may be a part of it, I'm not feeling so comfortable, between the rock of avoiding my grandfather and the hard place of feeling guilty every time I do. I know that his clinginess is because he's lonely, and that by being abrupt I'll probably only make him lonelier, but I feel like I can't be too responsive to his attempts to grab attention or I'll never get anywhere. It's a tough situation, and it makes me feel like a real bitch most of the time... he's probably thinking that his golden oldest granddaughter is turning out to be a sour little cow... but simply, I just want to live my life.

Anyway, things do seem slightly better today, more in the vein of 'living our own lives', although there have been moments. I don't think that this is a situation that is likely to get better though, just one to ride out... just over a week to go... *sigh* I feel horrible saying this stuff.

This aside... I guess the whole experience with the bond has been frustrating, although I had a much longer talk with someone at the tenancies authority today which made everything seem somewhat encouraging... apparently the only cost to be paid for taking something such as this to the small claims tribunal would be $12.80, and that we would be paid all but the disputed amount immediately, so really the only thing we stand to lose is $12.80, the disputed $66 if it does not go our way, and a bit of time... and I'm likely to be gone by the time the hearing happens anyway, so it's all sounding alright to me. Still can't say that I'd be pursuing this if it weren't for the Boy and his desire to stick it to the man, but I don't really see any harm, and who knows, it may have an effect and cause one real estate agent to become more reasonable and the world to become a better place in some small way. I can only dream.

The visit to C*entrelink this afternoon though... that was another story. Turns out I have buckley's chance of getting any unemployment benefits because I made the mistake of telling them that I was living with a male, and yes he was my boyfriend. Does not matter to them that we keep independent finances, they have to take into account his wages aswell as mine when calculating our benefits. Utter shite... I should have known better than to tell them in the first place though. The thing that gets me though is that even though you are not in a de facto relationship in the eyes of the law until you've been living together for six months, in the eyes of C*enterlink you are de facto the second you begin living with someone. I mean, it's a government department ignoring the law of its own country... it makes no sense. It's this sort of thing that encourages people to lie to them.

Anyway, not overly fussed since I seem to have enough money to manage just now, I was really just trying to play the system anyway so that I got money when I go away for a couple of weeks in March and am not working. I should feel ashamed about that, but after all the crap the place has put me through I don't care about scamming them in the slightest. Didn't work anyway :) Today though, it wasn't so much the senseless burocracy that was getting to me, it was this woman behind the desk assessing my case... I pointed out the discrepancy in the de facto stuff, in my very nicest voice and making it very clear that I knew it was not her fault and that she couldn't change it, and that I was not expecting any money... I made it very clear that I was expecting nothing from her, but I really felt that a little sympathy wouldn't go astray, rather than her face like concrete ushering me out the door.

Sometimes, the burocracy (is that even spelt right?) in this world gets me down so much that I just want to curl up and hide from it, or run away to some island and belong to no country, no community, no political persuasion... or alternatively, create my own little country like the dude in Hutt River Province somewhere in WA, and have my own stamps and legal tender and red tape. Apparently he did it to evade tax... they've since changed the laws, I believe, to prevent other Australians from declaring sovereignity over their backyards... oh, but wouldn't you love to sometimes?

Some days, there's so much crap going around and I don't want to be a part of this world... not that I want to die, but this planet sometimes seems too fucked up to bear and I just want to be somewhere else. I just see bad things happening around me constantly and feel hopeless because there's nothing I can do about the bulk of it. The futility gets to me, and I start wondering what it is exactly that I am meant to be doing with this life anyway, what is it really all worth. Maybe I've been watching the news too much and it's getting me down... maybe I've been watching too much Star Trek and dreaming of strange new worlds and seeking out new live and new civilisations (to boldly go where no one has gone before :) It's a frustrating feeling though, because I can have no escape from it.

It's not really the world that's the problem though, it's me. People are disturbed not by things but the views which they take of them, which is something like what Epictetus once said. I know that these things are always there, it's just that sometimes I don't attend to them. I know that if I give it a week or so, my views will probably turn the right way up again and all will be rosy. I know that I'm over-tired and hot and uncomfortable.

Mmmm, sorry 'bout the whinge, eh? Feels better to get some of it out of the system though. I do have some optimism though, because I was thinking yesterday about the Boy, and that 5% of our relationship that is never right, wondering whether 95% is enough... the question is not whether things will change, but whether I can be happy with the way things are, and I'm still trying to answer this question. I believe the year apart will answer some questions, and I also believe that if we decide to be together again when I come back that it will be because I've decided I can live with the 5%. I told him this last night... I told him that if we decided to be together again when I get back, I think we should get engaged again. It could still go either way, and we both acknowledge that... I'm open to the possibility that the year away will open new doors and avenues that I'd rather explore... but I think that *if* we do get back together upon my return, it will be because we're both sure that it's what we want, because I'm just not going back there again if I'm not sure.

I could hear the Boy smiling, though I couldn't see him in the dark beside me... "are you aware that you just proposed to me?" he says... yes, I did, provisionally I guess... but he's already proposed to me one before, so now I guess we're square. And to be honest, it doesn't feel like much to me at the moment because it's not actually done, really, it's still yet to be determined. In reality, it means nothing... nothing, except for the fact that next time I'm gonna be sure, and that I kinda hope there is a next time.

Before After

© Blueshoe 1999-2005