I've been thankful for my tiredness and yawning, an excuse to go to bed early is welcome at the moment. Not too much longer, one more evening after tonight and then I'll be taking him to the airport the following morning, and I won't have to worry about dealing with my Grandad again for a year or so.

I still feel horrible dealing with the realisation that I don't particularly like my grandfather, but less so now, I think. I had a good chat with my mum on Monday and she assured me I wasn't a bad person :) I guess she's been here before too. I've been examining my notions of family over the past little while, trying to work out exactly what it all means to me. It's a weird thing, even before my parents separated I don't think I was a stranger to family dysfunction, there are certain people on my dad's side of the family that I barely even know due to tense relationships and such, and then the stuff with mum's mum and her sisters... despite never knowing a normal family myself, I've always been fairly idealistic about how families ought to be. I don't think it's adversely affected me, but I've never really wanted to be involved with any upsets.

At the same time, I don't believe that blood is thicker than water. I don't think you should spend time with someone who you wouldn't otherwise because they're rude or put you down or whatever just because they're family, it's not a good enough reason for me. I guess that's the reason I don't tend to see my nana anymore, and I think that contact with my grandad is also likely to be reduced after his behaviour... I'll never turn my back on them but I don't think that just because they're family gives them the right to treat me or anyone else like shit. That probably sounds a little harsh... it does feel a little harsh. I kind of just wish it wasn't an issue anyway, that people could just all get along.

Then, there's family members like my sister, who is so different to me that I wonder if we'd even have bothered to get to know one another were we not family, and yet I love her dearly and am glad that I do know her. I guess family does count for something in some cases.

Anyway, 'nuff of that... I went for a float yesterday, felt much destressed although not as rejuvenated as I normally do, I actually fell asleep in the tank and had an extra early night too. Today I've been doing a fair bit of running around, checking out flights (there's about four left for the times I want on the airlines I want to get to Japan, fingers crossed there's still one left by tomorrow when I can afford the deposit!), giving blood for the last time in the next year or so, eating sushi (had a craving... I'll be eating plenty soon, I'm sure!) and writing emails, asking questions... for the first time since I finished uni my diary pages have been full of things that I need to do, errands and stuff. The pace is picking up... I've suddenly realised that there's really not that much time left. I've hardly even learnt any Japanese...

Also worthy of mention is that the Boy bought me chocolate for Valentine's Day. I'd been a bit of a pain, dropping hints about appropriate presents but telling him that I really didn't want anything, really... mixed messages, a woman's special gift :) And well, he got me something, even though he thinks the day is stupid and thinks that buying useless things is a dumb way to show a person that you love them (perfect male logic, and I can certainly appreciate it on some level). It wasn't even what he bought me that counted, but the fact that he seems to be growing to understand stupid female logic and my desire for romance and surprises... it's such a little thing, but it gives me a lot of hope for us... this small gesture seems like development of a new understanding.

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