The Boy is working tonight and I am not, which gives me the chance to get some stuff done that I wouldn't ordinarily - such as, use the computer for any length of time (because he's generally on it for at least eight hours any given day ;). Such as practising my Japanese, because I'm still too embarrassed by my ineptitude to do it when other people are around, even the Boy. Such as eating the chocolate that I discovered in the freezer that the Boy has been hiding me for goodness knows how long... and anyway, he's forgotten it's there, so I think I can safely assume he didn't want it that badly, right? :)

Today was bloody hot... somewhere in the high 30s, which I could handle in somewhere like Adelaide, but here in Brisbane with the high humidity also it's not very lovely. It's rather sweaty in fact... everything is itchy, and I hate that. Tonight I am playing a game of delicate timing, keeping the doors open for as long as possible to collect the night-time breezes, but closing house before the mosquitos and other assorted bugs get too plentiful.

Today was not the ideal day to be moving boxes, but that's what we were doing for part of it, taking the first load down to my grandad's for storage. I was keen on getting a removalist to do the bulk of the moving since some of the Boy's cupboards are quite old and delicate as well as being extremely heavy, but after looking at removalist quotations tonight I think we'll be hiring a truck and doing it ourselves... hopefully with the aide of a couple of strong males, because I don't think I could manage those cupboards again...

The hot weather makes the Boy tired and grumpy. I have to refrain from asking too often whether I've done something wrong... I know I haven't, but sometimes I get all insecure and girly-like. There are times though when the connection between us feels stronger than ever, like this afternoon when he put his forehead against mine (a rather endearing habit of his) and suddenly I was crying. I asked him what he'd been thinking, he told me he was feeling quite sad just now about the whole moving out thing... I'd felt it. Being that close to him, I'd felt it pouring out of him and into me... when we were first together I used to feel him like that all the time, but even now it happens.

So yeah, the first car load... it's really happening. It was only about eight months ago that he was moving in... this really wasn't the way we expected things to turn out. Maybe we'll move in together again someday, who knows. Today was a bit of a shock though, I think to both of us, and I found myself wondering once again if I'm doing the right thing... it seems almost a repeat of what happened with the Tall Guy in some ways, when I moved back to Adelaide and moved back to him only a month later. I don't have that option this time, and maybe if I wait out the urge things will be better on the other side. I don't know... it's one of those infuriating 'time will tell' situations.

I truly adore this Boy of mine, and I wonder whether I am taking him for granted to be leaving him like this with the expectation that there is something better for me out in the wide world. I love him... we were going to get married, and there's still a very large part of me that hopes that we will. True, there are things about him that drive me nuts - mostly that he's so laid back he seems comatose at times - just as there are things about me which are not what he thought I was and not exactly what he wants... but nothing's ever perfect, right? I don't know... I don't want to be the person hanging out for something better and neglecting the gifts that I have.

On the other hand... I've been thinking a lot about the Greek lately. Not about him specifically, more the relationship that we had, that kind of indescribable passion and synchronicity... because if there's anything I'm holding out for, it's probably another relationship like that. At the same time, I still wonder whether such a relationship could ever be sustainable for any period of time or whether it's inevitably destined to self-destruct... I think such a relationship, while enjoyable at the time, is mostly just unrealistic. My relationship with the Boy may not be 24 hour passion but there's more than enough there to sustain us, plus the kind of companionship and intimacy which is built to last.

But, on the other hand again (how many bloody hands do I have?) I don't want to drag out a relationship longer than it's meant to last just because it's comfortable, like I did with the Tall Guy - I love him but we both know that relationship was at least six months too long. Well, I guess a year alone will probably be enough time to determine whether the Boy and I are built to last... I hope.

Lately I'm in a fog that I can't see out of, I lack clarity... I've lost faith in my abilities to make decisions... have I made the right ones in the past? Am I making the right ones now? Normally I am a lot surer of what I am doing, but just now my instincts are failing me, I have no intuition as to what the right move is... but since the wheels are all irreversibly set in motion, I guess I should just stop worrying and enjoy the ride, right? There's nothing I can change now, even if I wanted to.

Relationships aside... my life is in desperate need of a change. I may be feeling this way because it's uni break and I have nothing that I'm working towards... but I am restless. I got to work on Wednesday at the Thai place and was overwhelmed with the feeling that I really did not want to be there. It's not that it's a bad job, just that I've been there for over two years, and there are very few jobs that I can do for that length of time. I guess in a way I feel a bit out of the loop there too... it sometimes feels like the others who work there are friends, while I'm just someone who works there. I used to feel a part of that, but lately it's like there's a widening gap. I know I don't go out of my way to change it either, but anyway... I've been there too long. Now is the time to leave.

And speaking of widening gaps... there are a few friends that I really want to catch up with before I leave, a few friendships that have fallen by the wayside a little in 2004. One person I really miss is the Tall Guy... I guess things changed between us from when he got involved with the Tall Girl, but it's more my fault that we haven't caught up lately and I really do wish to remedy that. He's an important person in my life.

Anyway, Japan and just getting away is something that I've needed for a while and the time is ripe, for sure. So just a couple of months in limbo and I'll be there. At the same time I find myself overwhelmed with various fears... I fear living alone again, being in a strange place, that I'll never be able to read kanji, that I'll be a crap teacher, that I won't like it... but I think they're all chances I'm willing to take.

Just as well really, as it's too late to change my mind anyway, contract is signed :)

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