This morning the Boy was telling me about the only other girl he's ever told he loved, a Norwegian girl that he never actually met. I have to say that this is something I love about him, that he has the ability to fall in love with a person he's never physically met, it's just so stupidly romantic, it's something I'd be dumb enough to do. He had arranged to meet this girl when he was travelling through Europe, but there was some kind of misunderstanding, she didn't reply to an email and he thought she didn't want to know him anymore. Anyway, he encountered her yesterday on Yahoo Messenger for the first time in over two years... it turns out she wasn't ignoring him, she never got the email that he was in her town.

It's a strange thing... the Boy says he could never go back, he's changed much since then, but I think there's a part of him that will always wonder what might have happened if she'd received the email. One of those things, I guess.

For some reason I found myself asking whether he'd loved me more than her (I'm such a fucking girl at times), he said yes, because he'd gotten to know me in so many ways that he'd never known that girl, because I was so much closer to what he was looking for in a girl. He used to think that girl was almost perfect, until he met me. He told me how perfect he thought I was when we first moved in together... it was meant as a compliment but I couldn't help getting teary... I made some comment about how next time he'll remember not to ask his girlfriend to marry him within a month of moving in together, that it takes longer than that for the cracks to show, that there are things you just can't know until you have lived together for a decent period of time... he held me for a long time in silent agreement.

It's crazy, neither of us feel that 'us' is beyond salvage, but we both seem to feel that some time apart is necessary to determine our future. I was the one who called out engagement off, though the Boy conceded it was the right thing to do... but every day I wonder whether I did do the right thing. I have no sense of right and wrong when it comes to these things. I asked the Boy today if he thought I was doing the right thing, to which I got the enigmatic answer that there is no right and wrong, provided I learn from whatever it is that I do. I believe what he says, I know he's exactly right, but while my intuition is AWOL I wish things could be spelt out to me in black and white, just until my senses return. I hate feeling this useless.

We're living in limbo at the moment and it's starting to get on my nerves. More days than not, I don't want to leave... I am happy and comfortable here, for the most part. I think most of what I am experiencing is a reluctance to leave my comfort zone... believe me, it's nothing new. I keep thinking back to the Tall Guy, thanking him for having the guts to end our relationship that had gone on for about six months too long because there's no way in hell I would have found the strength to do it, no matter how unhappy I was. It's pretty dumb, I know... but it's only been in recent years that I've been able to leave a party when I want to rather than with the dregs at the very end - maybe I'll miss something, maybe it will get better in another five minutes... I don't know. So this time, I'm leaving at the right time rather than when it's past the due date... only, I've never done this before, and it feels foreign and uncertain... maybe it would get better, if only I stayed on a little longer?

The most stupid thing of all is that my arrangements are made already and cannot be changed, my decision to leave is not negotiable... and yet, I keep turning it around and around in my head. Maybe it's because I've just been practising my Japanese and my hiragana looks like it's been drawn by a four year old... yeah, I am way out of my comfort zone, but it's time to be humble again. Time to accept that I am not innately good at everything I try, but with some work I can make it... I mean, it was the first time I'd even attempted to write hiragana :)

The Boy shaved off his hair tonight... it's strange, because I always seem to have this urge to drastically change my appearance every time I break up with someone, and I'm currently fighting the urge to cut my hair off because I know I'll regret it later. The Boy shaved his head because it's so hot, I don't think it has the same meaning for him as it does for me, but in some weird way it seems to be helping me, tricks my brain into thinking that the man before me is no longer the man that I loved, makes it easier for me to cope because he looks like another person. Not really him.

It drives me nuts that I feel so lost because I created this situation... also because I know that I would be going crazy anyway if I didn't make these changes. Stupid paradox. Things are fine today, if I don't think about tomorrow... yet I wish it would hurry up and arrive.

Before After

© Blueshoe 1999-2005