Stop worrying, Ma... you should know my extremities by now (and dammit, will you update? :)

Yeah, I have some big questions - don't we all (at least, I hope so)... but really what happened yesterday was that I went out when I should have been at home in bed. It had been a long week at work with a few new twists thrown in, I'd been sick since last Sunday, and I was so damn tired...

And the hormone thing... I know I sound like a typical woman blaming my hormones, but it really was quite an almighty crash. See, there was something that happened last Saturday that I didn't write about, which I suppose was pretty stressful in itself. Last Friday night with the Writer there had been a condom failure incident... accidents happen, and have happened to me before, but never in a strange country. The following Saturday saw me trying to find an English speaking doctor and then trying to tell him what it was that I needed in a country where I already knew the morning after pill was not always readily available... I was at the doctors for an hour explaining to him what I wanted and why. He was a real find actually, a damn good doctor with good English, and he explained to me that I really had an incredibly low risk of anything happening since my period had actually finished on the day of the 'accident'... I still wanted to be sure but as it turned out he couldn't get the morning after pill for me, only a regular monthly pill packet. I bought this from him though and gave myself a hyper dose, being that it's basically the same as the morning after pill anyway except more nauseating... and it did the trick because I have my period again now, but it wasn't the ideal way to do things at all and it kind of freaked me out (I should mention that the Writer was fantastic through all this though)... anyway, that was the hormone thing, I could feel the hormone levels plummeting on Friday and it greatly contributed to the mood of the moment...

So normally, I can cope with the grey areas in my life but all of these things meant that my defences were low yesterday and I crashed. I found myself at the usual haunt and everyone around me was having fun and I was not, so it seemed logical to remove myself from the situation. And then I had a long walk home in the dark, thinking my strange thoughts, and then I came here and wrote them all down...

Yesterday I woke up in the same weird mood and I didn't really know how the day would go... I had to spend it with work folks looking at a couple of hotels that we hold events at, a very fun day but I was not feeling particularly fun. Fortunately they all knew I'd been sick for the week so my sullenness was easily excused, except by CoWorker who knew there was more to what was going on but not what exactly... I got an account of the night that I had missed and I almost wished I'd been there, though I know I wouldn't have really been there anyway...

Around lunch time things had settled into something closer to where they normally sit, my voice was noticably better and I'd slept in the van for most of the drive so the whole world was looking much rosier. I had a huge lunch, and then we had a huge dinner at the second hotel before hopping into the onsen for an hour or so.... actually, the actual sitting in the hot spring part of the onsen is more like half an hour (it's about all you can generally take before you pass out) with about ten minutes of undressing and thorough showering at the beginning and maybe twenty minutes of sitting lethargic in your towel and then some preening afterwards. I like the whole onsen experience, I always feel restored... at the onsen yesterday I noticed a bruise on my leg showed visible improvement after sitting in the hot water for about twenty minutes... it was really amazing.

Anyway, we got back home around ten and headed out again to the bar almost immediately... I had a chance to check my email and I had two from the Writer. The first was so forceful that I was almost frightened by it, but there was nothing in it that he wasn't completely within his rights to say. I really do think a lot of him, but my actions belittled him... and yes, he is more than capable of making his own choices and it is his choice to be near me even in spite of my insanity... or perhaps because of it? :)

Anyway, we talked a bit about it on Saturday night and I didn't apologise for my behaviour because I'm not really sorry for it... but I won't run away from him again. He's here, he's in my life and I have to accept that now and factor him into it at least occasionally. Something I do know for sure now is that I don't want him to go away. If I had managed to push him away entirely on Friday... well, that's something I would have been sorry about.

Before After

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