There's not a wide selection of people that I can be friends (as opposed to mere acquaintances) here, since so few people speak my language in a literal sense, and even fewer in a figurative sense... but I realised on Saturday night that I do have a couple of them. I have people I can really talk to, if I so desire.

I was told on Saturday night that I was beautiful... by someone I've clicked with in a sense, though not in *that* way because he's too damn young and I am not really out there... nor did he mean it in *that* way, but it was really good to hear it.

Just as it was great to have a good long chat to my mum on Friday night, and to hear her say how proud they are of me... it surprises me to have her tell me what a big thing I am doing, because I'm in my life, I can't stand back and look at it. I'm just living it after all... it's nice to know that I'm doing something pretty cool in the eyes of others, because in mine it's pretty alright too.

I have some questions to answer from Sarni. I asked for them, but they are difficult, so I think I can make an entry out of them... here they are.

1. What are the five things you've learnt from being a dancer?

The first (and by far and away the most important) thing I learned from dancing is how good it feels to move... at the times when you are inside yourself, you're not worrying about what other people are thinking of you and pretty much not thinking anything at all, just dancing hard like little kids do. Sheer joy of pure movement is something I still love to indulge in whenever I can... it never fails to feel good, even if I'm just in my living room, spinning on the spot.

I also learned to view my body more objectively, like an instrument. Although at the same time I had a lot of issues about my appearance and it not being the way I wanted it to be, while I was in class or rehearsing I was mostly just concerned with what it could do, not how it looked. I was concerned with the physical mechanics of how to lift my leg higher. You have men grabbing your inner thigh in pas de deux class, which in another context would probably be thought of as sexual but in this context is just about finding a good handle to lift the woman up. I'm not sure if this seems connected but I think it's stuff like this which makes me not particularly modest about my body nowadays. I'd like it to be more attractive, but ultimately it's just my vehicle for getting around, you know?

I guess another big thing I learned is how to work hard - discipline. How to push both my physical and mental boundaries, and to enjoy doing it. Although when I was dancing my self discipline was occasionally self-destructive, and these days I do let myself slide from time to time, I know that if there is something I desire or need to do, I will and can do it. The fact that I studied dance full time while completing high school by correspondence in the evenings probably explains why doing three jobs, working seven days in 2003/4 wasn't such a big deal to me.

Dance definitely opened my mind to the possibility of different kinds of intelligence out there... I was a kid who did well in the sciences at school, and I think without dance in my life I may very well have believed in a black and white world with right and wrong answers, where logic reigns supreme, and that you were only intelligent if you knew the 'right' answers. If I hadn't been doing it, I don't know if I would have believed bodily-kinesthetic intelligence (a la Howard Gardner's theories) to be a form of intelligence... and that being so, I certainly couldn't have embraced interpersonal and intrapersonal intelligences... I would probably know myself a lot less, were that the case. I would certainly be a lot more narrow-minded.

The last thing is one of the big ones, and one of the hardest ones to face... sometimes what you love doing is not what you are best at, or not what you are meant to do. I loved dance, but I was not good enough to make a career of it... it was a bitter realisation, being as I'd always grown up imagining that I could certainly do what I loved for a living. It's not to say I am unhappy now... so maybe it wasn't such a horrible lesson after all - perhaps I should just say that I learned that sometimes you end up somewhere quite different to where you thought you'd be, and that it doesn't have to be a bad thing. You lose loves and find new ones all the time.

2. If you were to die tomorrow, what would you most regret not having done?

I would have a thousand tiny ones, like not having that piece of chocolate today... I would probably regret having worried so much about my future and not enjoying my day enough :) But what would I regret not having done... I can't be any more specific than to say that more than anything, I would regret not having seen more of the world out there, not having travelled more. And I will, before I die. I'm working on that one, it's a regret I'd rather not have :)

3. What does true love look like?

I think it can look like anything - but how it feels is the important thing. I think you see true love when when you look deep into another person's eyes and you see yourself in there - you realise that they are a part of you, and you of them, and always will be. But more than seeing that, you feel it.

4. What's your favourite part of living alone? Conversely, what's the
best bit of living with others (friends or partner)?

The best part of living alone is just simply, having only yourself to please, in whatever way - you can do what you want when you want to do it, without having to confer with another person first and potentially compromise your desire. Just the pure selfishness of having what you want all the time, whether that be your choice of music, your choice of quiet, your space, your time... it's just great.

The best part about living with other people is that there's someone there to tell about your day, there's someone else to cook for because cooking for one can be somewhat unsatisfying, and (with a partner), there's someone to sleep beside, which gives more comfort than it seems. For me, I definitely relax more when I live with a partner, because it's more enjoyable to curl up and watch a DVD with someone else and I can justify it as spending time with the person I love... when I am alone, I can rarely justify any down time for myself.

5. What was the last beautiful thing you've seen?

I first remembered a class a couple of weeks ago, an older sister greeting her younger sister after class by folding her into a big warm hug... and knowing that most siblings fight like cat and dog, I thought that was gorgeous and it made me smile. These two kids really are sweet, gentle people and I like that.
Then yesterday, I visited a shrine built on the side of a mountain, surrounded by lush, green rainforest and that wonderful earthy smell, with a creek running beside... the shrine was ornate and detailed and I could have examined the artistry of the building forever, or pondered the meaning of the various statues and the kanji, or even just watched the other people praying. I've seen a few shrines since I have been here, but this one, which is so far into the forest that you can't hear anything but birds and wind, just feels so spirital.
But then, there was this morning, when I realised that my tomato plants are starting to bear fruit.
And then, there was a class this afternoon when one of my youngest students threw her arms around my neck for a fierce hug before class, and then two five-year-old boys threw themselves into my co-teacher's lap for a big hug... and these guys enjoy their class so much too, and that always makes me happy to see.

Before After

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