Today I wrote another list.

I don’t know what it is lately, but I find myself fantasising about another life, one without him, and wondering
whether I would be better off. Yes, it's the time of the month when the balance is tipped in favour of yes, we should break up. Perhaps I should try writing another list when I am in the 'we can make a go of it' frame of mind, but today's list of pros and cons for continuing my relationship with the Boy were rather heavy on the cons. Especially when certain things on the pro side, like my guilt over him moving to Brisbane for me and the fact that I really like his friends and family are really not valid reasons for continuing a relationship.

However, on the pro side, there is also one item which weighs a great deal - I love him, and I know that he loves me. This means a damn lot... but does it mean more than all of the other things that are wrong with 'us'?

I have to consider also my previous two serious relationships... I loved them too, and still did when we broke up. Both of those relationships taught me that sometimes, love just ain't enough to keep a relationship from falling apart.

So holy shit, here I am again... but the sticky part is that this time, I have to be the bad guy. I know that there is no way on earth that the Boy is going to break up with me... even if he knows deep down that it is for the best... but mostly he thinks that this troubled relationship of ours is as good as it gets. If we are going to break up, I am going to have to do it... and this scares me. I am much better at playing the victim than the bad guy... and in addition to that, what if I am wrong? I'd rather regret a decision that someone else has made than one I have made.

I don't think I am wrong though... there has been enough happening around me lately to convince me that there is plenty more love out there... it's not going to be my last chance. I am too damn young to believe that, and I don't.

I just don't want to be the one to break him.

In any case, I still don't think I can make a decision while I am here, for several reasons. To be fair, I am going to be in Brisbane at least for a while when I return, and I'd like to give things another shot when we are together in person, so I can say at least that I gave it every chance I possibly could. To be reasonable, it would be nasty to break up with him form afar. To be more pragmatic, he's looking after my life back there and I don't want anything to go amiss because he is angry at me.

And to be perfectly selfish... it is better for me to feel involved right now. I came here to be alone, and though is sounds like a paradox the best way for me to do that is to be in a relationship with the Boy, to be attached at least in my head... because if I break it off with him, I am going to be tempted to get involved with someone else here, I know it... and it is the worst thing for me to do right now.

The best way for me to be alone is to be with him. How sad.

So even though I can't stop thinking about the situation, I seriously have to drop it, postpone my decisions, for all of those reasons. The thing that kills me though is that he could change one thing - he could believe in himself more - and the balance would be overwhelmingly tipped in favour of me staying with him... the thing is, being with me does nothing for his confidence, especially as we ponder whether or not we have a future. The thing he needs is something that I can never give him.

And me too... I needed to get away from him to feel myself again.

I was looking at a list I made six months ago... and some of the things on it are the same. It brought two realisations - firstly, some things are not going to change. Secondly... I have been debating whether or not to stay with him for over six months now, still with no answers. Perhaps therein lies my answer.

On another topic, it seems that my father is getting married this year. Not that he has told me, I heard it via my mum who heard it via my sister. I am annoyed that he is doing it in the year that I am away... why can't he wait for me to get back? They've been living together for three years already at least... why the sudden rush? It's a strange thing too, because his partner is such a family lady, I thought she would have been adamant about my being there... it seems odd. The thing that really makes me angry though is that he hasn't bothered to tell me this himself, I had to find out from my mother who doesn't even speak to him. Is he even going to tell me? I don't know, but I sure as shit am not going to call him. True, he rarely calls me anyway, only when he's drunk and feeling benevolent towards the world... but this is a big thing.

Perhaps the fact that I have removed myself from my family for so long is coming back to bite me on the butt - they are removing themselves from me. By and large, it makes my life easier to remove myself from family politics... and I know that's a fairly selfish view, but I'd rather not be involved.

And here I have removed myself from the Boy who loves me, whom I also love, also... what's the deal here, girl? Am I trying to find myself, or trying to hide? And who am I without these people anyway? Am I just so afraid to commit? I can't commit to a relationship or even to my family? Is this my new freaky way of proving my independence?

Today, I am wondering why it is that I can have a soul-bearing conversation with someone I've known for mere days on the basis of an intuitive 'click', yet I feel the need to remove myself from the love of people who have known me for years, who truly care about me. On paper it makes no sense, but in my life it feels right for me. I seem to feel closer to my family when I am apart from them... perhaps it is my way of idealising the people I love, by not getting close enough to see their idiosyncrasies? I would much rather think them perfect, and vice versa, and just let the near-strangers see my flaws.

I dont know why, but love at a distance seems to be all I can deal with in my life these past few years. Here's one theory why though: I think I need to feel good about myself, that I can truly love myself, before I want to let anyone else close enough to truly know me. I need to give myself unconditional love before I can expect it from another. I need to learn how to accept myself and my own flaws before I can try the acceptance thing with other people.

I think there might be something in that.

Before After

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