Amnesia is your curse
For every new thing that you find
You're gonna leave something behind

Amnesia, Machine Translations

Excess is the word that's playing on my mind today. Saturday night was excessive. My recent spending habits are excessive, but I currently have more disposable income than ever before, so why hesitate in disposing? My current social life is, perhaps, excessive... or is that just because I've been doing the cohabitation thing for the past almost year (until I came here) and when you're a couple you don't go out anymore? It's a contrast, anyway. It's a damn enjoyable contrast, actually.

The reason why it I am thinking of the word 'excess' though is because of my appetite. I am losing the initial 'I love Japanese food soooooo much' weight gained, but my appetite is... excessive. I am always hungry... but why the metabolism increase? Something is up. There is a lot of energy around my centre, and the appetite thing is just the symptom, not the cause. I'm feeling ill though, and I won't get any relief until I finally spit out what's troubling me... I have discovered it cannot be swallowed.

Excessive emotion, excessive thought (I mean, I've been writing here a lot more frequently than usual, yes?) and excessive energy... which by rights I should not have because I haven't been getting nearly enough sleep (less than nine hours per night is not enough in my world, and I've been getting five on average), and my yoga, the thing that usually keeps me buoyant, has fallen by the wayside in the past week... but what can I say? I am happy. I haven't been this happy in a while now... which, paradoxically, makes me sad because it makes it very apparent what needs to be done in my life...

I have always been far more happy living alone as opposed to cohabitating... why the hell do all of my relationships move so quickly to cohabitating? This is the problem: in the midst of romanticism, I believe that anything is possible. Always. But, I like being alone. I want to be alone. I feel so much saner on my own... perhaps I just don't have the strength in me yet to deal with another person's shit as well as my own... or maybe I just need to find a person who has the ability to deal with their own shit. I don't know myself when I am in a relationship, I become this strange, co-dependent creature... and right now, I am feeling more kick-arse than I have in a long time. I like my solitary life, more than my words can express.

Perhaps this is why I have been listening to Bright Eyes on repeat for two days... he's the perfect mix of romanticism and cynicism with a handful of fucked-up-ness for good measure. What I would be, in a perfect world, although generally I am too much of a freaking girl and fall on the romantic side of the fence. Splat.

You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love is an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
Do you like to hurt?
'Cause I do I do I do
This didn't hurt me
Didn't hurt me
Oh this hurt me

Lover I Don't Have To Love, Bright Eyes

How many times have I been here before... and why must I keep coming back for more? Well, because it's fantastic, all of it. The love, the hurt... it is beautiful. But here I am again, at the end of yet another road. Fuck.

My chakras are completely screwed at the moment. Base chakra predictably absent, since when have I ever been grounded anyway? And my blessing, my curse, my heart chakra is threatening to burst out of my chest cavity and is dominating the two beside - my throat is tightened and my stomach is churning... it is making me ill and I need to find some other way of letting it go if I can't bring myself to let him go, because I'm probably going to puke otherwise (it has happened before...)

And rather strangely, my second chakra is present... hello sex drive, my old friend. Has been MIA for months, and now when I am thousands of miles away from sex, here it is... what the fuck is that about? Was I taking for granted what I had? Am I lonely over here? Or was it really just him, and us... not me? At least there are ways and means of finding release...

(actually, this is seriously fucked up - I was just exploring some solo options when the MSN noise jolted me back here... and it was the Boy... and he would have loved it but I didn't want to tell him. In fact, I lost the mood...)

But I think I am missing human contact in general... I'm a tactile person. I'm currently trying to decide which of my friendships have graduated to hugging, because I need it.

The fog in my brain... I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to find some release and clear my confusion. His mother, predictably, is not helping - her last email asked when we might be formalising our relationship (her exact words). Thankfully, she has stopped emailing me again. I don't need to know that his family loves me and I like them also, I don't need the extra side order of guilt. I can't tell her 'never', any more than I can tell him. Actually, I did once tell him... not long after we got un-engaged and he spoke of future re-engagement... he was sitting on our kitchen bench on the morning that all the shit hit the fan, and we were both naked in every sense, and I told him in the softest voice that I possibly could that it was never going to happen. He was absolutely resigned and I knew that he knew the truth, for that moment at least. So did I, only I didn't know it was the truth yet.

I feel really guilty that he does not know the strength of my recent thoughts... I'm not 100%, but am I ever? I hate myself for feeling happier without him, and I hate myself for hating myself because I ultimately have to look after myself first... I mean, this is ridiculous. I can't marry him just because I don't want to hurt his feelings... but I've never had to break up with someone I actually cared about before. How does that happen?

Ugh. I'm going to have to wait for some of this brain-fog to clear before I can do anything... it wasn't so long ago that I thought we might make a go of it again. But how could a marriage survive if you only believe you can make a go of it half the time? I've been feeling that way for the past six months... and I don't think I'd be here if things were so shit-hot back home anyway. I turned down an honours scholarship, for fucks sake. I must have really needed to be here, or to get away, or both most likely...

Before After

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