So yesterday was not the best day I have had in a while. After getting to bed around 3am and not sleeping until around 4am, energy was feeling rather low (heh, now I know how to dispose of excess energy - don't fucking sleep!). In the morning my stomach had changed it's mind from yesterday - food was not a good thing anymore. I couldn't make it through my breakfast, nor lunch.

But, I woke up feeling relieved. I had just done what I should have six months ago, and at least that could stop eating at my insides now. I couldn't have pretended it was irrelevant for the whole year... even if the situation is not immediately in front of me. I'm not so great at living in denial, and I don't think that's such a bad thing... I am nothing if not honest, especially with myself. I'm feeling kind of powerful actually - I faced a fear (albeit eventually).

Doesn't stop me from feeling like a completely shitty person though, nor does it stop the guilt trip I've been putting myself through... but this too will pass. I hope.

Fatal flaw yesterday was a coffee at my school to keep me awake - I don't do caffeine aside from the very occasional black tea and that doesn't seem to burn at my insides the way coffee does... and on an empty stomach it's even less pleasant. The effects were only just wearing off around 10pm, though potentially that was because by that point I was feeding myself alcohol. Go the socially sanctioned drugs!

Work was actually the one of the best parts of the day - it fully captured my focus, as opposed to anything else in my day. I was talking to my Japanese co-worker about the Boy and she didn't have a whole lot to say but just making soothing noises in appropriate places was enough. Then it was my turn to listen... I have a secret. She has asked to leave the organisation. I'm not supposed to tell anyone because she's not, not even CoWorker, which is probably going to annoy her because she claims already that I get all the gossip that she doesn't. Somehow I have always had that effect on people though, something in me screams 'confide in ME!'. I rather like it.

The other best part of the day was watching crappy horror movies after work with a bunch of guys from another English school, same guys we've been seeing quite a bit of recently. The horror movies were laughable, the best part of the movies was undoubtably the running commentary of the other guys that had me in stitches... a good laugh is definitely very therapautic.

And, the presence of the Writer, who happened to be online just as I was getting off the webcam with the Boy on Monday night, and we did a journal swap... which is not something I do everyday but I had the instinct with him, almost immediately - this person gets me. I can trust him. I feel as though he sees straight through me... and accepts what's there.

I hoped he would sit next to me. He did. I was in two places at once - I was sitting on the couch watching schlock horror and laughing hard with and at the folks around me... and in an entirely separate dimension, I was on the couch beside him, aware of his arm touching mine and playing a game that shy people play - making tiny movements, observing tiny responses. Eventually I curled my finger around one of his, and he held my hand tightly, like holding a secret. I felt soothed. Comfortable.

I rode home his way. He graduated to a hug goodbye. Too long.

While riding I was thinking of the theatre, wondering about his motivation... there's been the odd subtle innuendo in conversation but I could say that of a number of people here... and I know something of his history now, I don't think he's entirely available. But... if he just meant to comfort me, why not just grab my hand? Why the tentative approach... not sure what I think? Doesn't want to take advantage of someone who's vulnerable? Has no idea himself? Just going with the flow?

Hmmm... comforting me, or...?

And another question to be asked: what was my motivation? What do I want? I don't know... but I do have a confession to make. In the past six months of my relationship with the Boy, I've had attractions that I wouldn't call fleeting... no action of course, I am a monogamy girl, but the fact that I could be attracted to other people while in a relationship I found somewhat disturbing... it had a definite impact on my decision to end it. Not that I now plan on pursuing any of them, but it was something that could not go on. And this Writer... well, he is the most recent of those.

But... I came here to be alone.

But... I don't know what he feels.

BUT... rebound potential. And this boy should not be a rebound, because he's worth so much more than that.

Am I scary? Just exploring possibilities, really. I'm not an especially subtle person... if I am not coming out and saying what I want, it's because I don't know yet. As for him, I have a feeling that when it comes down to it he enjoys my company but that right now he may be just testing the limits and seeing how far he can stretch them... and if that's the case, he shouldn't, because he may be surprised... he may end up with more than he bargained for.

CW was leaning into a man for much of the night also, and I'm curious as to what may be going on with her... she denied any interest, then admitted that she has to figure out what she wants. She insists it's just comfortable... she insists that back home, with more options, she probably wouldn't be considering this one. Denial... not just a river in Egypt anymore.

It's been raining since 2am last night... started not long after I got home and was still going when I woke five minutes before my alarm this morning... still have not the energy for yoga, though I felt more rested than I have in a while. Spent the next two hours skimming the surface of sleep and passing in and out of dreams that I actually remembered some of... briefly...

This morning crawled by as we passed time with the Boss, talking about classes. He described a kid with absolute textbook secure attachment so I began talking about attachment theory, how it influenced kids performance and how it apparently influences the type of romantic attachments you have in later life. By all accounts, I was securely attached as a child, the best kind... nowadays I am more ambivalent in romantic attachment... where did I lose it?

Before After

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