Things have kind of snowballed, as they typically do in my life. I spent both Thursday and Friday night out at our local gaijin bar, which is strange in itself because CoWorker and I were Saturday night people only until very recently... the boys from the other English school perhaps had something to do with why we've suddenly become such social butterflies.

Anyway, both nights I found myself sitting with the Writer, somewhat removed from our other friends present, with my hands in his. I thought that was possibly turning him blue, keeping him holding his breath like that, but that's what I was happy with and he told me to take all the time that I needed, so I was feeling pretty okay with that. Still, even though there was not even a kiss the conversation and the closeness was intimate in a rather scary way and I could feel things starting to slip...

Tonight... well. It was one of those nights that the more I drank the more sober I felt, and although it was supposed to be a big night (yet another person's leaving party) there were too many people there that I didn't know and I was getting the shits with everything. I was sitting off to one side bitching about everything that I saw pretty much when he kissed me. A little while later and we were outside, around a corner, kissing until my lips felt slightly numb... and it was great. It's truly the most alive I have felt in such a long time.

So why am I musing about whether I did the right thing? I mean, I like this guy, a lot. I can see myself getting into trouble here, big time. But... it's so soon, and I keep thinking about the rebound aspect. My mind just isn't clear right now, I can't think straight. When I express this concern to someone they typically ask me whether it *feels* like a rebound to me... and of course it doesn't, but I have been here often enough to know that when you are coming out of a relationship you generally don't know what the fuck you feel. My mum says that things were basically over with the Boy six months ago when I broke off our engagement so I shouldn't think of anything here as a rebound because my last relationship has long been over, really. The CoWorker said that coming here without him was as good as dealing with a breakup, so I'm at least three months over him now.

I was thinking about that line in The Big Chill, Jeff Goldblum's character insisting that rationalisation is more important to people than sex... "have you ever been a week without a rationalisation?". But I'm not just rationalising, am I?

No, it doesn't feel like a rebound... but there sure as hell is no way I could tell the Boy that I am interested in someone else. I know that would really hurt him... and keeping something from him feels dishonest. It also kinda highlights just how little time as passed too. How much has happened in the space of a week... last Sunday seems so long ago, so much has happened... but just a week. This is too fast. I am in terrible danger of repeating a pattern here, and I can't do it, I can't... why do I always fall into these things so quickly?

Still... what can I say? Aside from the guilt and worry this thing brings me, I'm pretty happy. I am still concerned about how well I am going to be able to keep my personal space... but to start with, I'm not going to see him tomorrow. Too much, and I need to start somewhere. I guess it gives me another chance to practice how to retain my own identity whilst being in a relationship...

This is really kind of fucked. Something really great happened to me and all I can do is worry.

Has it borne me down?
Has it run me through?
If I give it a name, do I contract it too?
More likely this thing has been growing in me
Like I have grown in you.

Before After

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