I'm at home for lunch, eating the best damn lasagne I have made in ages (Japanese mushrooms rock) though mind you it was stupidly difficult to find a lasagne pan in this country and the noodles are nearly 700 yen for a box so it kind of had to be good, didn't it? And I am updating the journal during my lunch hour because I didn't see my morning until about half an hour until I had to be at work because I was out last night seeing Batman (dark, strangely believable and great aside from the part where the theatre fire alarm or something went off about 10 minutes from the end... grrr....) with CoWorker and the usual boys, including the Writer.

The thing about seeing a movie with someone is that you don't get to talk much... but even when the opportunity was there, when we were all standing on the stairs outside the cinemas, the boys dissecting the movie and anticipating others... I felt as though I didn't know what to say. I'm feeling kind of self conscious at the moment, and it's giving me the shits because I used to be able to talk to these guys and it used to be fun. Part of it is that I am feeling a bit like I'm under the microscope, everyone's waiting to observe the interaction between the Writer and I... this is why kissing in a public place is never a good thing, though it hardly felt public at the time... anyway, that's a part of it. Another part of it is that I'm thinking about how much they might be evaluating me and whether I am a decent person for their friend to be interested in... I think that's a time of the month thing, insecurities burbling to the surface and it's a bloody dumb thing to be concerned about anyway because I know that I'm alright and that's what counts.

Another part of it is the Writer himself, his presence is making me forget my words and feel that paralysis that you get when you like a person and suddenly you're afraid that you're gonna say something dumb and they'll go away. This pisses me off too - I don't want to be that person, it has been my entire life's work to not be that person that cares so much about what other people think of me, and I still haven't succeeded. I love talking to the Writer and I seem to be losing that ability, I worry now that I don't actually have anything worthwhile to say... which can't be the case or we wouldn't be where we are in the first place, but dammit...

Excess hormones, I am being such a girl.

I did a reading for myself on Sunday, still spread out on my floor... I generally know what I'm going to see anyway, but the cards make it tangible. Lots of fear and confusion, lots pertaining to my journey and my ultimate goal... things will be fine, of course. It makes me laugh that I draw 'Temperance' almost every time. Moderation, caution, patience... patience is a virtue that I simply have no time for.

Anyway, the fear thing is about to be kicked in the arse because I am over it. I can't live my life this way because it is absolutely no fun at all. I am putting way too much thought and feeling into this fledgling thing... so I'm just going to forget it and roll with whatever feels comfortable. And breathe.

Before After

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