Lesson for this evening: don't cook fish in your underwear. Hot oil splashes on your thighs are not fun. At least the fish was good.

Tonight... I was soooo not going to go out tonight. I have red wine, I have some smoked cheese (both from the supa, but they're a decent imitation) and I had planned on a mellow night in front of my computer... but my arm has been twisted yet again, a joint effort of the Writer and CoWorker...

So far, I've seen the Writer every night this week - last night was horror movies again, followed by a long goodbye outside his house... it was hard to leave. It gets harder every time. I wondered whether we would have spent the night together were Mother Nature not interfering with my body at present, would I have had the strength to leave... in the rational light of day, I am thankful to Mother Nature for keeping this thing from hurtling out of control, at least for the next few days... perhaps I will regain myself by that point.

Since all the while the weather was cool I stood at the crumbling edge of the black pool
Augie March, There's Something at the Bottom of the Black Pool

Today was not so bad but my energy was so low and tomorrow I have my worst school so I really can't zombie my way through another day. I really was not going to see him tonight... must be an early one tonight...

This morning I was thinking of the Boy though... every time I manage to forget him for a moment he storms my memory when I least expect it... and once again my mind was swimming in guilt and I felt as though I might drown in my own selfishness... how can I forget him so easily? I don't want to forget, I want to find a harmony between the then and the now... but where might I find this higher ground?

I am sick of feeling guilty but I am feeling far too self absorbed, today I was not good at my job and I don't want to allow that to happen, since it is the reason I am permitted to stay here. I don't want to turn into a party gaijin, and I don't want a relationship ruling my life...

But this one bears some exploration. The explosions in my torso when I think of him are kind of fun too. I don't think I could walk away even if I wanted to.

Before After

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