For some reason I have this PJ Harvey song in my head:

Speak to me of universal law,
the whores hustle and the hustlers whore

Can't tell you what the hell that's supposed to mean to me, I can't make any sense of it :)

Well, round about Thursday I found myself getting sick, some head coldy thing, which is gives me the shits because I seem to have spent more time ill than well in the past month. I did my usual thing, missed my Boy, cried down the phone and decided I wasn't going to go to Japan anymore... yeah right. But, I have to say that being sick on my own in a strange country is going to suck. I guess I'll just have to stay well then.

Despite sickness I got taken out on Thursday night to karaoke... yes, daggy daggy I know, but our family happens to know a number of people who sing quite well and I like to hear them sing (especially since they have *good* taste in music) and have a chat and a few drinks and stuff, it's always a lot of fun. The night finished late and a good time was had by all, so good that I had to stay in the following night and I was forced to watch "The Fellowship of the Ring" on mum and Ric's massive new television. What a terrible pity... NOT :)

Saturday afternoon I managed to watch the entire first series of Futurama at my sister's house... okay, I did a bit of it on Sunday arvo aswell, but I did think it was a pretty good effort. Saturday night was an interesting night... Sis wanted to go out, even though she was ill and so was I, to a dance club in town because it was supposed to be a big night because of the Sydney Mardi Gras. Well, didn't think the night was especially huge or anything, but I definitely got some pent-up dancing energy out of my system, I got on the floor about half an hour after we got there and off about two and a half hours later, after the twenty minute Kylie Minogue medley (yes, it was a gay club). The main issue with the dancing was the dehydration and the smoke machine, the next morning it felt like my throat had taken a good two steps back. Oh, and the stiffness in my back and neck... I have a tendency to throw my head around at times when I dance :) I have to say although it is definitely not my scene and hasn't been since I was 18 and in first year at uni (even then it was a shortlived thing :), I did enjoy the chance to dance in the dark for a while.

On Sunday we had a lunch with Dad scheduled in... I felt really bad because I spent some time asleep on the couch when I made it there, and hopefully I'll catch up with him for dinner during the week. We had a pretty good chat and looked at all of the photos I've missed out on in the last 12 months (plus a bit of video footage :). Lunch was the standard BBQ thingy that Dad always does, though his partner is trying to teach him to cook steak medium rare rather than burnt... even though they were more like medium well, it was a start :) And went home not a moment too soon, a weekend with my sister is definitely drawing close to the amount of time we can safely spend with one another without one losing a limb, especially when we're both sick and tired and cranky...

Today I had lunch with the ever-gorgeous Miss Ophelia, which was lovely as usual... experienced Adelaide-phenomenon-by-proxy as she discovered the guy sitting next to her was someone she went to uni with... haven't experienced the Adelaide phenomenon myself yet this time round, but there's still more than a week to go... :)

The rest of today has been a bit of shopping - needed sunglasses badly, today was surprisingly sunny :) Oh, and my laptop. I placed the order for it and it should arrive by the end of the week... how very exciting! this arvo I watched the second part of the Lord of the Rings and then I've been writing this and setting up dinner appointments for the rest of the week for the rest of the people I wanna see, looks like an enjoyable week ahead :)

The Boy and I have spoken every day that I've been here - if I haven't called, he has. Is it love or interdependence? I'd like to think the former, but the jury's still out on where our future lies. We've been having a lot of good talks... I guess the problem always boils down to the same thing, and whether or not we can both live with it. I've been talking to a lot of people down here, collecting opinions in a way... I've been a little sad to find that many of my family's opinions of him are negative; not particularly terrible or nasty but not so good either. Ultimately it's not going to change any decision I make, because essentially I'm deciding my life, not theirs... but I wish things were a bit warmer, that's all. I'm sure they're never going to be nasty to him or anything, but it would be nice if they liked him a bit more.

Me, on the other hand... my period was a day late (I know, it's nothing... but paranoia is my middle name, you know) and I started running through scenarios in my mind and probably for the first time ever concluded that I probably wouldn't get an abortion should an 'accident' occur with the Boy. This does not mean I'm throwing away the birth control, I still think I'm far too young to have a baby and it would be much more welcome when we are both finished study and travel and have decent jobs, but... a baby with him is an appealing idea. This is the whole thing that confuses matters between us... I really, really can see myself with him long term. I can see a life with him, if only we can get ourselves sorted.

Japan is still a very good idea... I can't wait to get there because I feel weird at the moment. I feel like I did at the start of my third year of uni, when I knew I wasn't going to be in a career remotely related to my degree but I had to finish to get the bit of paper because there was only a semester to go... I feel kind of aimless. I feel that the things I am doing just now are not fulfilling a purpose. At the moment I'm taking hiatus from studying psych, which I feel is my career path, and it's making life feel pointless - working a crappy temp job, and now no job at all until I reach Japan... a month off should be enjoyable, but to me it just feels like a waste of time. I am afraid that beginning work in Japan is not going to fill the void in me, because although I'll be busy I'm still on hiatus from the career path... when I feel aimless I feel worthless. I really hope it's not going to be that way when I get there... after four months of crap work, what I thought was a necessary break in studying seems frivolous, pointless, almost like I'm leaving something that I really enjoyed for no reason, something which actually offers me a future... was I just swept up in the romance of getting away from it all? I don't think so... I'm faltering a little bit now, but I think I've just got to have faith that the place I am is exactly the place that I am supposed to be, and that the reasons for what happens will become apparent to me in time.

Before After

© Blueshoe 1999-2005