I've been feeling really tired since I returned to Brisbane, everything seems just too hard. My two and a half hours on the plane yesterday were spent compiling a to do list, and it seems that there are rather a lot of things that I need to do before I leave the country.

The Boy picked me up from the airport and remarked what a good mood I was in, and I was - glad to be back, very glad for the long, deep hugs that he keeps giving me... think he missed me. He had to go back to uni for the rest of the afternoon after picking me up, so I hopped online and did my usual stuff... and I have to admit that mum's diary entry got me down a bit. I had to give her a call, and I am glad that she's honest with me, but I wish we'd been able to talk about things more. At the same time I know it's mostly my fault that we didn't, because I'm a bit touchy at the moment about the fact that she doesn't think much of my Boy. In fact, most of my family doesn't think much of him, which not only places me in a pretty uncomfortable position, but makes me doubt my own judgement... if everyone around me thinks he's a bit average, what is it that I am missing? Or what is it that I am seeing that no one else does? I guess, as my mum put it, no one else knows what goes on behind closed doors, the only people who really know about a relationship are the ones in it.

My mum thinks I am sacrificing my indepdendence for this Boy, and this is truly one that I cannot figure out. I mean, if I were, wouldn't I be sitting here in Brisbane with him instead of heading off to Japan? I honestly don't feel like I'm compromising any of the big decisions that I need to mke for his sake... but apparently, I'm changing myself to suit him and I'm even starting to sound like him. I have to admit that there are a few things that I used to do that I don't anymore - the yoga and the flamenco dancing - but they were dropped when the uni got too much, before the Boy even moved up here... they're the only things I can think of. I guess I became very conscious of how often his name came out of my mouth, but doesn't that always happen when you're with someone?

I have to admit that sometimes lately I'm not feeling myself, but I've attributed that to being in this aimless four months between completing studies and taking up my new job, and I feel like I'm not doing anything really worthwhile just now... it's nearly over and I'm feeling pretty damn good about that...

So I don't know why, but it's still frustrating. I spent the better part of yesterday afternoon crying, and I was really annoyed at myself because I came back here feeling really positive, the Boy and I had some great talks and thrashed some things out and we'd decided that we both still wanted to make a go of things, didn't want to give up on it... I was feeling really energetic and positive and then spent the afternoon being deflated by doubt.

It was a pretty noticeable difference for the Boy, when he'd left I was in a great mood and when he returned I was sobbing... and I can't lie to him about the reason. Basically I told him that I was upset because a lot of my family didn't think that we were right for one another... and I can't imagine how that makes him feel, especially since his family seems to think the sun shines out of my butt. He told me that it didn't matter to him, that what I thought was what mattered, but I know him well enough to know that it would bother him more than he let on.

So there's been that... and going through the list. Today I managed to get a fair bit done, lots of errands run, including a few emails to people in Japan to get info... which brings me to the other thing that's really shitting me - this computer that I bought has some major bugs in it. It seemed okay, but as soon as I hooked up to the internet I've been getting stupid pop-ups because I appear to be infected with a heap of spyware, and above that there are weird little glitches that I have no idea of the origin - for example, copy and paste commands don't work, certain links don't work, and gmail did work but now doesn't. I don't know what the hell is going on, but it definitely appears to need a re-format, which kind of sucks too, since I managed to misplace the external floppy drive they gave me with it, and my CD drive is not a writer, which means that I'd lose half the photos I've already downloaded if I formatted the drive because I have no way of backing them up first. Yeah - really not happy about this, I can tell you.

Anyway, I'm over my grumble grumble... I'm going to go and watch the Simpsons with my Boy. My brain hurts.

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