One of my neighbours here is into Sex and the City and has a few of the series on DVD. She loaned me season 4 the other night and I have been watching a few episodes today... I realised that it has been at least two or three years since I have watched that show. I have never watched it since my television exploded when I was first living on my own in Red Hill... and it's strange, here I am again living alone and watching Sex and the City. It's been bringing up memories from the past...
Another thing has also transported me back to that time, someone I have met who reminds me eerily of the Greek. He's actually Japanese, but I guess there's the level of exoticism there. Similar build, skinny and fairly short. He also seems to have many similar mannerisms, he exudes this incredible aura of calm and serenity that so intrigued me with the Greek. He has a degree of femininity that is not unlike the Greek either. Another similarity I discovered on Saturday night - he also likes heavy metal, and he dances in the same way that the Greek did; slightly awkwardly, not the most groovy person you've ever come across but into the music so much and dancing with a wild abandon that you can't help but admire. Like there's nobody watching.
We also seem to get along extremely well. I am not interested in him in any way other than friendship, but our friendship seems to be almost instant, we just get one another... yet another similarity.... although perhaps the reason I feel so comfortable with him is because he so reminds me of the Greek in little ways. It's a strange thing, but I like to be around him, I feel calm when I am with him, and I can't figure out whether it's because I like him, of because he reminds me of the Greek.
And then I was watching that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie is getting back together with Aidan, and wondering whether you ever really get over past loves... or do you just go another way, bury them, try not to think of them? I have so much unresolved stuff with him, and I think it's why in my mind that relationship is always idealised. I can rationalise about the things I found out about him after, and that we never would have worked... but my memories of the relationship itself are nothing but good so it's hard to think of anything else.
I think it might be unrealistic, but I want that kind of relationship again. I don't want him, but I want to feel the fire again like that. I know that the fire with the Boy and I has dwindled, and I don't understand why I can't orgasm with him lately but I have in my sleep twice recently... but I don't know how long the fire is supposed to last anyway. Maybe it is unrealistic to desire it? I guess this is my quandary - I know what I want, but I don't know whether it actually exists... and if it doesn't, then perhaps it is better just to continue enjoying what I have, which is good in another way but no lesser, I think...
Right now I am just happy to be here. I miss him, but I am also enjoying my space.

Before After

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