Reading 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance' again... why is that book such a head-fuck for me? It's pop-philosophy, for fuck's sake... but it always does it to me. Last time I was in this state where I started wondering if I even existed, and last night here's what my pen wrote on my notebook:

My journal = my means of proving my existence.

I need someone to acknowledge me, to see what I see, in order to realise it's (my?) existence and the value of what I do and that it is really there and happening.

Is this the way that it should be?

I don't think so.

Why can't I just enjoy things for myself?

Do I exist if I don't tell other people about it? What am I, without my interaction with other people?

So am I really writing here in some weird attempt to prove that I exist? Is that why I crave the guestbook comments, because it indicates that someone else has noticed and is enjoying the fact that I am alive? Well shit, I don't want to be living for that... perhaps my journey ends when I finally appreciate myself enough to stop writing in this thing and not need to exhibit my insides to the world at large in order to prove that I am here.

Speaking of interaction with other people... I just got off the phone to the Boy. We were both crying over the phone. I tried to say what I am afraid to say, only to find that I am still afraid to say it... the thread that is hanging on is getting smaller, but it is still there. Both of us have been thinking about 'us' a hell of a lot though, wondering if it's going to work... the Boy seems to believe that we're not going to be able to work things out, but he doesn't want to break up because he still hopes we will. I don't want to say the words either, but I think we're on the same page. I told him not to spend the next year waiting for me to come home because I may not, or if I do it does not necessarily mean that we're going to be back on. I want him to be happy, and I don't want him to pass up opportunities because he's hanging on to a hope.

But for me... I feel more myself than I have since we've been together, and I have realised once again that I cannot have a relationship without losing myself within it... it has happened every single time. I am enjoying feeling myself again, I am not looking for anything else but I don't want to keep the Boy hanging because it's just not fair to him, I think I am going to be reluctant to give myself up again when I return... though I say that every time I fall in love, and it never seems to stop me from falling, from surrendering myself so damn easily.

I do not know how to be in a relationship and also be myself, the two seem mutually exclusive to me. Maybe I'm too young, too inexperienced... it is beyond me.

I can't believe I made him cry... I am being so selfish. I am giving him up so that I can be myself again... but it doesn't feel wrong.

Before After

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