It occurred to me the other day that I must have a much stronger sense of self-efficacy than I ever used to for me to even be in this country. I guess it's one of those things that changed so gradually that I never even noticed...

But I was thinking back to the beginning of last year, not so very long ago, and the year before that when I was working for the advertising company... how little good I thought of myself back then, how little I believed myself able to do. How often I would be in tears, sometimes at work, sometimes later when I ruminated over the day's occurrences and what I might have done differently and what I should have known better. It is true that the job never particularly interested me and I never planned on staying other than long enough to get my financial shit together, it was never going to be a career thing... but neither is what I am doing now. I am better interested in this job, for sure, but I know that I could never make teaching my career, and even so I feel myself a lot more at ease in this job, a lot more willing to take on all of the challenges and new things that I am afraid to do.

And I wonder why... is it because my boss has shown such faith in me in giving me this job and little questioning my judgement in the way I teach my lessons? Is it because I am in a different country, and expecting it to be a lot tougher than it actually is, that I am feeling at ease? Is it just that I am better suited to this job? Or maybe, it is something to do with a change in myself that happened in the year between my leaving the advertising company and my coming to Japan. I spent that year at uni, where I worked my butt off and got damn good marks... so maybe I convinced myself that if I work hard enough, I can do anything. Maybe I became more self-motivated and autonomous, less likely to value another person's opinion above my own. Maybe I gained more of a sense of direction because I found a vocation that actually interested me, and a sense of satisfaction that I was starting to fulfil some of my dreams and could continue to do so. Maybe... I just grew up some.

I don't know... but for whatever reason, I am here, and I find that I feel better equipped to cope with life than I ever did such a short time ago... I'm not so afraid of screwing up that it paralyses me into doing nothing at all. I'm doing fine.

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Hopefully my newly discovered sense of self efficacy in my job will one day be transferred to my relationships too... though I think there maybe the problem is too much self-efficacy, too much belief that I can make things work even if the evidence is very much to the contrary sometimes. Things with the Boy are still quite unresolved, and I have to admit they probably will be until I get back in just under a year... which is a hell of a long time to be in doubt, but being here is kind of purgatory, I don't have to worry about it all for the time being.

My thoughts on it still swing wildly from one extreme to the other... last week, even a couple of days ago, I still felt quite strongly that the only course of action would be for us to break up... but then today, when I forced my imagination into contemplating my return to Brisbane, to be living alone with my cat again, I found my insides were seizing up at the prospect. It's all very well to be here and thinking of a new life, but what happens when I go home? There is still so much of us which I can't imagine living without...

Fucked if I know, really, but the fact that I am discussing it so often, with so many people, makes it clear that there is a definite question as to what is for the best. One of my Japanese work mates told me that she believed I was right that a woman should have her twenties to herself to see the world before settling down, though she was rather shocked when I suggested I could postpone the settling to 35 maybe... too long for her. Another one, male, told me that you can never know how well things will work in marriage until maybe five years has passed in a relationship, and that you shouln't expect it to be perfect at first, it should gradually get better as you get to know one another more, and you always get married before you know for sure anyway... which seemed pretty backward to me... I mean, it's possible that you will never really *know* what circumstances could drive you apart in the future, but marriage shouldn't be such a leap of faith... there should be some sense of certainty, at the very least a mutual desire to stay together forever...

I've been reading too much 'Pride and Prejudice' too, by the way. Getting to idealistic and romantic.

And below is a small snippet of an MSN conversation with an old friend, a couple of nights ago:

Friend: May I give unsolicited advice? You can tell me to fuck off if you like - I'll understand

Me: Go for it!

Friend: get into the relationship slowly... I think one of the reasons that celebrity relationships fall apart is because all the scrutiny means that everything happens too fast...

Me: lol... yeah, slowly is not exactly in my relationship vocabulary, hey? :)

...

Me: I think with my heart too much in relationships, and that coupled with my natural impatience makes everything happen far too quickly... but it always seems right at the time...

Friend: I know what you mean... I didn't say it was helpful advice :-D

Friend: it does make for an entertaining diary, you've got to admit ;-)

I have to say that for now all I can do is remain in purgatory.

Before After

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