There are many little things I will miss about Japan, among them heated toilet seats, vending machines that sell hot chocolate, the irrational honesty of people here... and the burritos that I buy from the conbini in the wee small hours after a night out.

Tonight was another leaving party. Another friend gone. Not an especially close friend, true, but another one bites the dust just the same. I was disturbed that I didn't feel as affected by the situation as I thought I should. Around me people were crying and distraught and I was kind of indifferent I guess. As I said, not an especially close friend... maybe she should have been?

I find I have an increasingly low tolerance for stupid, shallow people. Harsh labels, and yet so many people can be described in these terms. Harsh, but true. Not that I am labelling tonight's departee, by the way; just the crowd, the mob, the room at large...

And yet... the lack of belonging sometimes gets me down. I am not an especially social person, nor do I go out of my way to 'fit in', and the vast majority of the time this suits me just fine. The people who are my friends are genuine and secure... well, as good as they come anyway, for a person who doesn't place a great deal of trust in people. I'd rather observe from the outside than be on the inside circle... no, not true: I would rather have my choice of being inner or outer on any given day, depending on my mood... but that is rather unfair on the people around me (is it paradoxical that I can resent and occasionally despise people, and at the same time feel compassion for them?), and I don't think you can have it both ways.

So, the way I choose is the outer... and if I ever long for the inner it is only because I know what it is like to be there. I do have one place where I feel I truly belong, and that is in the arms of the Writer, my Love. It only pains me to be on the outer tonight because my Love is not with me, I don't have the sanctuary of his arms to return to this evening now that I am done with the passing parade.

This in itself gets to me just a little, that I am not enough for myself, that I long for him even after three days apart. I never feel as strong in a relationship as I do when single, it becomes harder to maintain my personal strength when I feel as though a circumstance is out of my control. And of course, love is one of those uncontrollable circumstances. I cannot choose whether or not I *should* love him or *will* love him, I just do.

I'm not complaining about that by the way, I'm just saying that love is above and beyond reason and control, far superior to both.

I miss him.

Before After

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