I really don't know what's up with me at the moment, but needless to say, I am not a little ray of sunshine and I am quite aware of that. I think I am probably PMSing because it's when I am best at self pity and right now I could win the gold medal if that were an Olympic sport... wish it would hurry up and come already, but I know it's bound to arrive in perfect time to spoil my upcoming three days away with the Writer. Fuck mother nature.

So I was at a leaving party last night for yet another friend, a cool guy though not especially close but still it put me in a low mood thinking about all the goodbyes I'm eventually gonna make... and then, I started thinking even worse scenarios, such as perhaps no one will give a shit anyway...

I helped the Writer move apartments last weekend, he's now living in a building with seven of the other English teachers and bar regulars that we know, and we've been spending a lot of time over there. Since CoWorker and I both have boyfriends living in Res (as we've dubbed it, the situation bears something of a resemblance to uni halls of residence) we've both spent a bit of time there this week. CoWorker is getting sick of the situation, feeling like she's there because she's someone's girlfriend and not because they're her friends really... which never occurred to me until she said it but now I'm thinking about that aswell.

So at the bar last night, already in a low mood because of the leaving thing, and then add alcohol for a bit more of that fun melancholy... I had come with the idea of doing an all nighter because I can't remember the last time I did that, and I left at 2am. Nearly stormed out, in fact. People were giving me the shits, the Writer among them although in his defence he was entirely unaware and not deliberate and I know he would have been different had he known... and the Writer's ex-flatmate seems to have singled me out among everyone there as someone to ignore and to treat with contempt if I deign to speak to him, which continues to baffle me, I don't know what I am supposed to have done... although mostly that situation is just annoying because I let it bother me so much and when it comes down to it I really don't give a fuck...

And CoWorker and her boyfriend were having problems that I found myself in the middle of. CW's boy has his ex-girlfriend visiting at the moment, which makes things somewhat uncomfortable and neither of them really know how to play the situation and the fact that they don't seem too good at talking to each other kind of compounds the problems... when I was asked to deliver a message to CW by her boyfriend that was the last straw for me. These people supposedly love each other, why can't they just fucking talk? Why do people persist in not giving each other the respect they deserve, in treating one another like shit, even the ones that they love the most?

I'd like to quit humanity sometimes, y'know? It's one of the reasons I get along so well with the Writer, because I know he feels the same, the main difference being that he feels that way probably 99% of the time, whereas I would like to give people the benefit of the doubt... I would like to believe them capable of redemption. I don't really understand where I sit on the whole matter really... it pains me that people persist in hurting one another and I dearly hope that I am not one of them... and then on the other hand I find myself desiring acceptance by them. I found myself wondering this morning if anyone here was truly my friend, or do I just borrow the Writer's and the CoWorker's friends from time to time? Am I just a hanger on after all?

I think I will contemplate this post-menstruation.

Before After

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