This afternoon I caught sight of my face in the mirror and did a double take, I had to look again to figure out what was different, what was amiss... I didn't look like myself. Sure, I'd had a couple of late nights in a row and my eyes were a little puffy because of the tiredness, but that wasn't it. It took me a moment before I figured it out - I look happy. That was what it was - I look genuinely happy. My cheeks are kind of round and glowing and my eyes look sparkly, even to me.

It is so many things. It is that I have a job that a truly enjoy, for the first time in a long time. Sure, all of my jobs have had certain aspects that I enjoyed, at least for a little while until the novelty wore off... and sure, I have my bad days with this one aswell... but I do enjoy my work. I have good working conditions and I get to work autonomously for the most part which is ideal for me. Through my work I am discovering more about myself and my capabilities and I feel pretty good about what I can do. I like working with kids, I like my coworkers, I like talking to my boss and analysing (over-analysing?) my classes and I feel like I am kind of doing something worthwhile with my life, at least for the moment... and I am getting to see part of the world that I have never seen before while I am at it. It's a pretty sweet deal all up.

And then there's the Writer, a huge factor in my current happiness... today we hit the three month mark, officially. It is the strangest thing, neither of us are particularly stable nor altogether emotionally and mentally healthy... but this is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in, by a long shot. Things feel so good with him... I haven't even had anything, even a tiny thing about him, that I have had to put in the 'well, I'll get used to that trait' file because there's nothing about him that I can't deal with. Last night saw us having a conversation about After Japan again, what will we be doing and where will we be going... the strange thing was, it felt so normal to be considering one another in our plans. A little later I thought about that and got slightly freaked out at the seriousness of all this, but when it comes down to it I'd rather be anticipating a future with him even if my plans never quite come to fruition, and we do have a long time left still in which to figure things out.

Mostly what freaked me out is what other people would think, which I know is mad anyway... but there are always things to consider about bringing parts of a new life back to meet the old. Say the Writer does come back with me... I'm not concerned about whether my family will like him because I know mum will like whoever is doing right by me in my life, and dad barely knows me so his opinion where I am concerned is dismissable if I don't agree. My friends... I don't care so much what they may think of him but rather what they think of me - do they even believe me anymore when I tell them I am in love? I mean, I have been here before, more than once... hell, I've even been engaged and that never worked out either (oh, and an aside here - I got an email today from an old not-quite-boyfriend, the Healer... he wrote, among other things, that he was glad that I didn't get married, said that if he may be so bold to say so he did not think I was the marrying type... funny, I have thought the same myself since then, but I think I probably will grow into the 'marrying type' someday, if there is such a thing). I know some of them think I am far too impetuous and follow my heart too much... but fuck, I guess when it comes down to it the stayers will support me no matter what and the others can do whatever, so it's not really an issue. I guess the big one is the Boy... I don't know whether he considers himself to be 'over' me, and even if he did it would likely be a different story when we actually see each other again. I don't expect him to make trouble but I don't want to rub his nose in it either, I don't want to hurt him. And so much of our lives overlap... even practicalities, like will my Grandad refuse to store the Boy's stuff if he is no longer connected to me in that way?

Anyway, far away stuff, but still it bears some consideration, and will need more when I know for sure what is going to happen at the year's end. For now, I know that I love the Writer, and we're going out for dinner tonight to celebrate three months of survival of the healthiest relationship I have had and the easiest love I have ever felt.

Before After

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